Very occasionally, I take myself out for breakfast because it requires that I talk to people who are not my children. In my small (and getting smaller) world, this is important. Today, I’m sitting across from a man who is clearly taking his dad to breakfast. It’s gentle and convivial and really lovely to watch. They were seated before I arrived and have long-finished their food. They’re just talking; honestly, the dad is mostly listening with a smile and an occasional question. My dad and I didn’t have the kind of relationship that would have resulted in breakfasts together without the buffering influence of my sister (And a thousand thanks for that, girl!) or my children. However, my mom and I did and for a very short period before she was too sick to enjoy it, we would make dates to eat out. There was nothing she liked better than to sit in a booth across from each other and talk. I enjoyed it but only now do I understand how much of a gift that actually was.

As I said earlier, my little world is getting smaller — I quit my job in October. If you are on Facebook, you may remember a post I made early last year about how badly I needed to leave. Being the optimist that I am, unfortunately, I kept trying, thinking that my boss and I would get along better once he got to know me.  That was an overly optimist view of things.

To be perfectly honest, I should have known. How did I miss the signs? In our very first meeting — literally, our introductory call, he told me that he was considering eliminating my position. That was pretty shocking but “new broom” and all that. I’ve been laid-off before so I asked if we could set a specific end date and I offered to assist in the transition. Oddly, he backed off and said that I had misunderstood. Here’s the thing though … I hadn’t misunderstood. I HAD, however, misread him entirely.  As per my usual “no-names” approach, I’m not mentioning his name here or anywhere else for that matter. I am telling my story because about two weeks ago, I read someone else’s story and finally understood what had happened to me. Anyway, their story helped me and maybe mine will help someone else. So, buckle up if you are willing to read further ….

From that first phone call, my boss attacked, abused, and derided me publicly on almost every phone call. He regularly “forgot” to include me in meetings and on emails.  He told other people that I had assignments he hadn’t given me. He’d ask me questions during conference calls and then talk over my answer or call it stupid (“I’m not stupid.” — that’s my obligatory pop-culture quote).  He’d give me urgent, last minute assignments with ridiculous deadlines and then fail to respond to what I delivered. He’d berate me for things over which I had no control. He’d send inaccurate and abusive emails about me to a large number of people (or send them to me and blind copy a large number of people). He’d tell other people that he liked to delete my emails unread because I was irrelevant. After the most egregious events, he’d call me (or I would call him). He’d apologize (sometimes) or tell me why that was just “grandstanding” to get people on board or assert his leadership or whatever.  He always had an excuse and I always left our phone conversation feeling like we’d turned a corner, like things would get better now.  Sometimes, the abuse would start again immediately. Sometimes though he’d disappear for a bit and I’d feel a combination of relief and anxiety (would it start up again?).

As a grieving widow, and newly single parent, I was struggling personally — still am! — to get my feet under me, to pay the bills and figure out how to fix the clogged sink and keep the doorknobs from falling off (I know that’s weird but they fall off regularly!) and fix the broken light switch and DO MY JOB. I never missed a deadline; I worked 14 hour days; and I internalized all the abuse he dished out. He confirmed for me that I was as incompetent as I often felt already, that I was as incompetent as he made me feel.  This really is a textbook example; I can see that now.

Finally, in mid-October, after a three-day stretch of relentless abuse and a phone call that included “I’ve been watching your LinkedIn page to see if you’re trying to leave,” I told my kids that I was going to walk away from my only source of income. They are wonderful and told me they were 100% behind my decision. So, I scheduled a call with him on that Friday morning; and at the start of the meeting, I sent him my resignation letter. He asked me to stay indefinitely. “We both know that you’re quitting but it will be sometime in the future.” I may not have recognized yet that he was an abuser but I’m still not stupid. Instead, I agreed to extend my end date to December 7th which would give me insurance through year end and payout of another week’s vacation. He asked me not to speak negatively about him in exchange for him not bashing me and that was pretty much the last time we spoke. He didn’t even contact me on my last day and I had to text him 3 times for shipping materials to return my computer.

I was so relieved to have it be over and got to work polishing my resume, creating a writing portfolio, applying for jobs (not much posted in December unfortunately).

It wasn’t over though. Last month, he started stalking me on LinkedIn. Seeing his name again made me cry.  That’s when all the pieces fell into place and I realized how abnormal our relationship had been. Now that I know what he is, I have blocked him on LinkedIn and I hope that’s finally the end of it.

So, I am unemployed and have been since December 7th. I have applied for SO MANY jobs and talked to SO MANY recruiters and former colleagues.  Being unemployed is terrifying but my silver lining is that every day now, I wake up hopeful.

Signing off “With Hope” (another movie quote because I just can’t help myself)