A Case of the Augusts

No nap today, which is a big step up from Friday and Saturday. Those two days you’d have found me on the sofa, dealing with a bad case of WONKY. It’s hard to describe wonky. It comes in many forms. Sometimes, the world seems tilted a little and I can’t keep my balance. Other days, I’m slow-moving through molasses, heavy of limb and empty-headed. 

Life is going relatively well, all things considered. And by that, I mean my nails are still peeling and my heels are cracked, my stomach and my intestines are unpredictable, but those are my normal so, actually, I’ve got no complaints here.  

My daughter is in San Diego, enjoying a much-deserved break from all things cancer. Since she’s been doing the vast majority of the cooking, I’ve created a menu of low-effort meals for the week, necessary, since my energy is still rather sapped as the chemo slowly leaves my body. We’re having, in case you’re curious: pancakes and bacon, burgers, a ham slice and potatoes, a small roast with carrots and some roasted delicata squash, sandwiches, and meatloaf. If things get too real, there’s pizza in the freezer. And I won’t feel sorry in the least if I need to invoke pizza night because who doesn’t like pizza?!

The nurse who takes care of me called to wish me congratulations on my chemo break and to let me know that she won’t be checking in anymore. I knew that but it was still a bit of a jolt. It’s not that I need her to do anything but it feels again like the protective net is slipping. No doctor appointments, no nurse checking in with me, no bloodwork. What am I, a healthy person?

It’s move-in time at the college across the street. There’s an illegal amount of laughing and giggling going on. It’s weirdly like the kids are looking forward to ditching their parents and living without supervision. (This is sarcasm.) 

I never lived in a dorm. Even with some scholarship money, I couldn’t afford to live on campus. Besides which, during college, I worked 4-11 most nights to try to make up the financial gap between the bill for college and those beloved scholarship funds/student loans. By the time I started grad school in Pittsburgh, leaving the house wasn’t something special. My dad had already warned me that if I planned on living at home, he’d charge me $500/month rent. That was more than I paid for my first Pittsburgh apartment ($325/month baby, utilities included).   

The yearly karaoke hasn’t started yet. Believe me, I’m on tenterhooks, waiting for it. When it begins, if I go across the street and sing, do you think they’ll get the hint? I’d guess not. My singing is at least equivalent to some of the people who have performed there in the past. I know why karaoke is popular: alcohol. Since there’s no alcohol on campus, I cannot explain the success of this annual event. And since I only have part of a liver, I can’t even add alcohol to MY day to make the event more pleasing to my sober ear. 

Honestly, I love the college move-in tradition. What I dislike passionately is the capitalist effort to encourage parents to spend ridiculous sums on things their children will throw out in nine months when they clear out their dorm rooms. Trust me, parents, your children will not use 90% of the cleaning supplies you’re purchasing. Neither will they need a second set of sheets, shiny wall decor, and throw pillows. Many of them won’t even use the notebooks and pens that Target says you need to get them. I know this because I walk by the unopened packs of notebooks tossed on the sidewalk with the unopened cleaner, mops and brooms, hangars and clothes with price tags still attached. Community members, including me, have been trying for years to get the schools to collect these things for freecycling but it’s difficult to coordinate and easy to look the other way. 

There’s an interesting media frenzy about a celebrity’s child attending Carnegie Mellon this fall. Mostly, we residents (and the students) don’t care much about this stuff. CMU is renowned for its student – and alumni – fame. My roommate, a million years ago, was the son of an ambassador. I was in class with the great-granddaughter of our founder, as well as full professors, children of CEOs, international students of government officials. It’s hard to be entitled amongst the entitled. I suspect she’ll blend in with a student body that is singularly unimpressed by fame. After all, the shine of privilege gets decidedly less shiny the first time you have to tell your roomie that he has vomit in his hair. 

Much love. 

A Case of the Augusts

Mary Oliver Knows What’s What

The neighborhood is quiet again. For six weeks during the summer, there’s a camp across the street. The kids are quite … audible from about 9AM to 4PM. It’s delightful, really, the sounds they make, their shrieks of laughter and chatter. Now, it’s easier, again, to hear birds but the noises of childhood are all gone. Probably that’s not true in most neighborhoods but ours is an older population. There are few children here and their giggles are muted. 

In her poem “Don’t Hesitate,” Mary Oliver writes, “Joy is not made to be a crumb.” She tells us to embrace the joyful moments we come upon because they are few and unexpected. Isn’t that a child’s laugh? The smell of the bread my daughter is baking? When my son teases me and we chuckle because I called Deadpool Spiderman? I can’t wait for an end to cancer to experience joy because there might not be an end to cancer but if we don’t seek it out and celebrate those found moments, there will definitely be an end to joy. 

It’s cycle 8, the last cycle of chemo for now. And it’s been full of delights – vomiting, attacks of unproductive nausea (if you know, you know), cold sweats, dizziness, and lots of unspecified gastrointestinal delights. At least I know I’ll have a break soon. 

My nails have started peeling but thankfully, my hands and feet are not. Yes, that’s a pretty common chemo thing – peeling appendages. Ken struggled with it. His feet especially looked like dried alligator skin. Nothing seemed to help him. I’ve been more fortunate and more responsive to my daughter’s entreaties to please use the body lotion people have so kindly sent me. It’s working; so, thanks, everyone. 

It gets tiresome, you know, to constantly think about your own wellbeing. We’re all mostly oblivious to the functions of our bodies until those parts are not quite working. Back aches, stomach upsets, sore feet are all experiences we’ve had and moved on from, not giving them a thought. But in the midst of an extended health event, everything is about what’s working and not. And after a bit, it’s annoying to be constantly spotting problems. 

One morning, I woke up thinking “I feel sick.” Then, I sat up and had terrible vertigo that did not end when I lay back down. Closing your eyes works (in case you ever experience vertigo). After a few moments, the dizziness was gone but the nausea stayed. I have to eat to take my chemo pills so I had a glass of milk for breakfast and an egg for dinner and nothing in between. Tiresome, you see what I mean? Who wants to constantly be thinking about whether they feel okay? 

Recently, I was shopping at Costco with my daughter – we had run out of milk which is a catastrophe in our house. We were discussing the merits of a clearance storage item when I suddenly felt very wonky and started to cold-sweat. My worst nightmare is to have a health event at Costco and there we were, health-event underway. I sat on one of their display sofas for a bit, visited the bathroom for reasons you can imagine without further explanation, sat on the sofa again, and then decided to wait in the car where I could direct air conditioning on my very sweaty brow. 

Alas, that was not to be as the car had a very dead battery. Yes, that’s right. A 90 degree day and a dead battery – so, back I went into Costco to sit on that convenient sofa. 

My daughter made sure I was okay on the sofa, did all the food selecting, checked out, and loaded the car. I took on the easier task of jumping the battery with our lovely battery charger (having one in the car is so unnecessary until your battery is dead!), with her providing the essential moral support because I was really going through something as we like to call it. On the way home, she even put up with the frigid car temperature so I could cool my very sweaty self. And then she put all the groceries away while I lay on the sofa. One of the silver linings, I guess, is having the opportunity to see my loved ones shine in my rather dark place. 

Next week starts my long chemo break. I’ll have scans in September and visits with my surgeon and oncologist in October. I wonder what our next steps will be.

Much love.

Mary Oliver Knows What’s What