Something happened recently that really upset me. You probably know the kind of upset I mean — bad dreams, sleeplessness, anxiety. I have had a hard time shaking off the feeling, the perturbation (what a great word), with no understanding of why I couldn’t just “get over it.” Ultimately, like the Grinch, I “puzzled and puzzled ‘till [my] puzzler was sore” and had a Grinch-y epiphany, a breakthrough, a self-awakening.
At least a few people apparently already knew the truth and one person told me in a — I’m telling you this because you need to hear it — kind of way, blunt but not mean. He handled it well, joking without joking and allowing me to acknowledge IT without embarrassment. That was the first dent in the armor of my certainty. It took some time — several months if I’m going to be completely honest — for me to absorb the truth, for the armor to break, but finally and completely, thanks to this latest blow … it has.
So, what next? I’m not really sure, to be perfectly honest. I now know something about myself that I have to explore and consider … and change. Growth is painful and self-reflection can be excruciating. None of us like to look in the mirror and see a version of self that is less flattering than the one we’re used to seeing. Since I’m already on a journey of self-discovery, the timing is good, I guess, but the discomfort is not lessened. As Jane Austen wrote in Pride and Prejudice, “Till this moment, I never knew myself.” I am ashamed.
And now for something completely different* …
After leaving my last job, I was confident of two things: 1) I needed to work in Corporate America; and 2) I would immediately get another job. I have probably already mentioned in previous posts that I applied for every job for which I was even remotely qualified and interviewed for some subset of that.
Not long after I started applying for jobs, however, I also began seriously writing again, something I haven’t done in 25 years. So far this year, I’ve written two picture books, a bunch — and I really mean a bunch — of poems, and two novels. One of those novels is out in the universe right now, looking for a publisher. I don’t know if it will be successful and I don’t know if that matters.
As Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” I have chosen to see and walk through that open door. Some days, I ask myself what in HECK I’m doing but at the same time, I am so grateful, every day, to sit at this computer, where I am right now, and dream.
*Happy 50th Anniversary to Monty Python and many thanks for the ministry of silly walks and for vikings who sing about spam.
The title quote is from You’ve Got Mail.
Wishing for you the gift of having someone in your life who SEES you.
Much love.
