I asked my daughter if we could live-tweet our impressions of Amazon’s Cinderella but she scheduled a root canal instead. Thus, I had to go it alone. Disappointing but all-in-all I think she got the better deal. 

So many great re-tellings/re-imaginings of Cinderella have been published recently that I should have been able to expect a good story. Alas. It was not to be. Amazon apparently spent the entire production budget on big name actors and song rights because they sure didn’t spend it on the story. 

Billy Porter narrates the beginning of the movie, which opens with a weird Beauty and the Beast-esque version of “Rhythm Nation.” If that sounds uncomfortable and cringy, you’ve gotten the right impression. Then, we meet the cast, including Camila Cabello’s Cinderella, who is supposedly covered with cinders even though she doesn’t ever seem to encounter a fireplace. It’s very confusing. Oh, and there’s a lot of singing. 

Rob Beckett shows up early in the movie for about 30 seconds, playing a creepy suitor similar to Richard O’Brien’s role in Ever After, except that O’Brien’s character is fully developed whereas Beckett’s character has maybe two tiny, messy, confusing and over-acted scenes. 

Then, there’s more singing, a lot more singing. There’s even a rapping town crier which is as out of place as it sounds. And like most of this over-stuffed movie, he also only has like two scenes. 

Not even 30 minutes into this abomination, the writers steal a page from Ella Enchanted and have the prince sing “Somebody to Love.”  It’s nearly unbearable and serves only to highlight how much better Anne Hathaway’s version was. Let’s not even discuss what chagrin Freddie  Mercury would be experiencing if he’d had to listen in.

As I watched, I figured out how this movie was developed:  a group of like 10 writers was brought together and told that each would write 12 minutes of the movie. When they all got done writing, the lead screenwriter shuffled the 12-minute sections together and handed the pages off to the producer. Ta Da. Oh, did I mention that each writer had to include at least 8 minutes of singing in their section? 

There are just two watchable scenes in this movie. First, Idina Menzel — at the 30 minute mark — sings Material Girl. It’s her only good scene. Her character is so badly written that it’s difficult to figure out who she’s supposed to be: Is she abusive or loving? Is she grasping or protective? We never find out. I’m pretty sure Idina doesn’t know. Also, Idina should sue whoever was responsible for her hair, makeup and costumes.

The only other watchable scene is Billy Porter — at the 45 minute mark — as Fabulous Godmother. Billy is lovely for the two and a half minutes he’s on screen — okay, it’s eight minutes. At any rate, it was far less than the impression offered by Amazon’s advertising. I guess they realized they needed to capitalize on his name because there wasn’t much else to promote about this.

The most unfortunate thing about this movie — the list of unfortunate things about this movie is, possibly, infinite — is that Camila Cabello — a heavy autotune user — was cast next to not one but two extraordinary Tony Award winning singers. It’s almost cruel to compare the effortless vocals of Billy Porter and Idina Menzel to Camila Cabello. She is a paper flower to Porter’s and Menzel’s garden.

There’s a princess who wants to be king (yes, I know she would be queen but she wants to be king). I think she’s supposed to be a young, singing Elizabeth Warren, if you can believe that. In addition, we have a fencing queen — played by the ever-marvelous and totally underutilized Minnie Driver. She could have had such a meaty role, if only … if only. 

The prince is supposed to be a stupid guy but that doesn’t actually serve the story because Cinderella would never fall for a stupid guy. As such, halfway through the movie he becomes a sympathetic man trapped in a role he never wanted, Prince Harry-esque, if Prince Harry had been the heir, of course. 

The king is an abusive totalitarian freak, as you would expect of a king, actually, but we’re supposed to believe, by the end of the movie, that he actually loves the queen — who he treats like dirt the entire first two-thirds of the movie. And then he rides up to the castle on a white horse to serenade the queen — but it’s Pierce Brosnan and his voice is nails on a chalkboard so that’s also a bit confusing. 

Really, the entire experience was rather worse than a root canal — though I’ve never had one so I’m just going by the visceral pain I felt watching Cinderella and I’m pretty sure it was worse than a root canal would be. 

I’m fully convinced that Netflix and Amazon are just messing with us, trying to see how awful a movie they have to make for us not to watch it. Amazon has nearly succeeded with this one.  I spared you the retelling of the “now that you’re an orphan” scene, the awful mice (James Corden, ugh), the potty humor, the attempts at feminism, the misogyny … You can have all of those experiences AND MORE, if you watch this movie. Or you can find something worth watching, like paint drying or plants growing or bread molding or … well, you get the picture, probably better than Amazon does.