Hummingbird

As I sat on my little deck in my tiny backyard Friday morning, the early sun shone in a stripe on the bright pink-red flowers of our weigela bush. I looked up as I finished reading aloud a poem I had written about a hummingbird. There, hovering above the flower cups of the weigela in that brief strip of sun, was a little gray hummingbird. I watched as she lingered for a moment, sipping from various flowers, before darting off to parts unknown. 

I can’t share the poem. It’s part of a book that is currently with an agent; fingers crossed, my friends. Most of the work I’m producing right now is for specific projects and I can’t share it … this after setting myself up on Instagram to highlight some of my work, though I did post the hummingbird spoken word below that is not included in the book. 

My name is hummingbird
And I’m here to say
I don’t flap my wings 
In the usual way

I make a figure eight
Which is kinda cool
It helps me fly and hover
Yo tiny birds rule 

Most of my children’s poetry is written in quatrain, some of my more adult stuff too. If you are looking for a brain exercise, I recommend giving it a try. (It’s not hard!) Don’t try to be prophetic or deep. Just pick a subject and give it a go. I like to write poetry that makes me laugh, though, unfortunately, a lot of the stuff I end up writing is pretty sad. I think it’s just the nature of the path my feet tread. 

We had a dog guest for a few days last week. She did not enjoy her stay. My dogs didn’t enjoy her stay either, to be honest, though they accepted our guest much better than our guest accepted us. She went for walks, growled at my dogs, napped on the sofa, and tried to jump onto the kitchen counters/ dinner table. Her efforts to steal food caught me a bit by surprise. My expectation that she would eat the dog food I gave her caught her by surprise so, overall, I think we can call the experience a draw.

Although my plans went awry, I did, initially, expect to make one of my mom’s signature dishes, German potato salad, over the weekend. My kids have never had it but it was a staple growing up. For almost every picnic we ever attended, Mom made German potato salad and lemonade cake. 

In my memory of cutting up the onions for the potato salad (my least favorite childhood job, perhaps tied with grating cabbage for coleslaw), my mom is still younger than I am now, teaching me the difference between onions for meatloaf and onions for potato salad. “Don’t chop,” memory Mom says. “Slice them thin so the warm sauce coats the onions and makes them soft.” 

Saturday, late afternoon, I discovered a tiny bunny who had somehow gotten herself trapped in the window well. The kids took charge and, after putting on gloves, they rescued the baby, who screamed like she was being targeted by a hawk. She has a paw injury so we’re currently keeping her safe in a pet-free area while we await the re-opening of our local wildlife rehab center.  I must say: she has absolutely the best ears I’ve ever seen. 

One last thing: For many of us, today is a day like any other. That, my friends, is privilege.

Stay safe. 

Hummingbird

April Is A Mish-Mosh

Every morning, generally between 7 and 8, I take the dogs outside, into our tiny, fenced backyard, for their early morning constitutional. They wander aimlessly while I call muted encouragement to them. Occasionally, one of them will look up at me and wag a cheery “hello,” before returning to their completely off-task sniffing. 

We have chipmunks, squirrels, and bunnies residing in our yard. The chipmunks are cocky. The squirrels are defiant. The bunnies are timid. My dachshunds, bred to the task of running down and killing animals, are fantastically effective at finding the chipmunk and bunny burrows. They are, thankfully, completely ineffective at tracking or capturing. On several occasions, they have surprised critters in their burrows. The dogs stand, noses next to small tunnels, tails wagging happily. 

Mina, the digger, will attempt to enlarge the tunnel, to what purpose I have not yet discovered. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t either. I usually stand on the brick patio during these early morning raids and watch chipmunks leaving by another exit. Not once, not once, have these fierce warrior dogs noticed that … er, Alvin has left the building. (I’m so sorry.)

As my dad would say, we lowered our ears this weekend. Saturday was warm and sunny, a perfect day for setting up the outdoor barber shop. I trimmed Ian’s hair, teasing him with “oops” and “don’t worry I can fix that.” I definitely took too long though. We had to leave his bangs very long so he could join his discord Pathfinder game. It’s supposed to be sunny here on Saturday so Imma sharpen those scissors for Trimming Round Two. 

I try to walk two or three miles every day, usually late in the afternoon. Since I’m a meanderer by nature, I walk wherever my feet take me. Do I start or end my walk going uphill? Will I visit a park or walk through a neighborhood? Heavy traffic or side streets? It was on one of these little journeys that I had an epiphany for a physically distant, socially connected birthday party for my son. Because we all have good, gaming headsets with microphones, we were able to talk and laugh and tease and play ridiculous party games for about 3 hours with 10 wonderful friends. It was joyful and celebratory and turned a somewhat glum birthday into a wonderful memory. We even made stupid, hilarious tshirts. 

How has your cooking been going? Since my last blog post, we’ve made black bean chili and buttermilk cornbread, chicken with stuffing, garlic chicken breasts, baked chicken wings, and barbecued ham. Someone in the house (my son) has suggested that we may be eating too much chicken but that’s just (stir)crazy talk. 

We’ve also made some treats. When I was a little girl, it was a huge treat to make nutmeg muffins. We only rarely made them and I loved them like flowers love the sun, like early birds love the worm, like Hepburn loved Tracy, like Mina loves digging …. ANYWAY, the muffin top was the queen. After the muffins came out of the oven, the tops were dipped in butter and a cinnamon/nutmeg/sugar mix, making the top slightly chewy, buttery, and a little bit sweet.  The cake was tender with just a scent of nutmeg — you know what I mean; when you bite into the cake, there’s just a whiff of a scent, gentle, enhancing without overwhelming. Heaven. 

They were so fragile that the muffin tops, on occasion, fell off during the dipping. But I’d just plop them right back. Ta da. I always thought that no one knew but it must have been obvious that some of the muffin tops weren’t attached. It is also possible that I ate the majority of those muffins and that no one ever found out because I ate all the muffins with loose tops. 

This week, I was looking for a little breakfast-y treat for my son, who isn’t much of an eater, especially not a breakfast eater. Nutmeg muffins, which I haven’t made in 30+ years, popped into my head. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find Mom’s recipe (though I haven’t given up) so I turned to the internet for help. The second recipe I tried was a beautiful success, so close to my memory of the original that I might even be able to fool Mom. The biggest changes are that I now make mini-muffins instead of the large-ish originals and that I freeze some for later. 

I also made a dairy- and egg-free chocolate cake. It was so easy to make that I was suspicious but it’s delicious and even better on day 2, if you can stop yourself from eating it all on day 1.

My youngest is completing eighth grade next month. Because the school terminates at eighth grade, they have a sort of graduation ceremony for the students. All that will be online this year, of course, but they’ll still have some of the usual rituals, including a slideshow with pictures of each student. He’s assigned me the job of digging through our archives for pictures of him and I’m in hell. It’s already an emotional roller coaster — we’re leaving a school we’ve been at continuously for 19 years. I feel another door closing and I can’t see what’s next. It brings Bell’s quote to mind:  “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

April is poetry month. I wrote a bunch of really bad, sad poetry. I give you, for example, the following in an AB rhyme scheme:

A Sunday In March

I’m watching you dying
Your cheek I caress
The doctors are trying
No news, they confess.

They now need to cath you
Of course I say yes
A vial of blood too
My fear I suppress

This act was you choosing
To end your distress
Your win means we’re losing
Perhaps no redress

There’s no higher being
To comfort or bless 
Can’t bear what I’m seeing
No more happiness

Stay safe. Be well.

April Is A Mish-Mosh

Fon-DO!

We have a routine — not perfect — that keeps us mostly on track, appropriately fed, and somewhat active. Every day, my son has his first call at 9 or 9:30. We get together after that to check Google Classroom for upcoming assignments and plan his day around his schoolwork. He has a daily video conference from 12-2 (all of you adults who video conference know how hard THAT is) and then we break again, take the dogs outside, and eat a light lunch (peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time!). 

Monday Fondue

Yesterday, I was feeling a little peckish at like 4 and had a snack epiphany. Several years ago, as a joke, I got the kids fondue mugs (“personal fondue” if you’re looking on Amazon). They’re fun for an occasional small treat (each mug holds maybe a half cup of fondue). Yesterday, I pulled them out of the cupboard, melted a little chocolate and ransacked the pantry for a handful of dippables — Ritz crackers, chocolate chip cookies, marshmallows, pretzel sticks, potato chips, strawberries. It was a fun, silly break. One of these days, we’ll try cheese instead of chocolate. 

Dinner explorations continue. A couple nights ago, we had flank steak and home fries. Last night, it was chicken and a lovely salad with field greens and some of those fondue strawberries. Late yesterday, I grabbed a couple small roasts (BOGO!) while I was out picking up a prescription at our local grocery store. We’ll probably make one of those tonight with some po – TAY – toes and carrots. 

Meat and potatoes was a standard meal at our dinner table growing up. I have a vague memory of my mom browning the roast before putting it in the oven with potatoes, carrots, and little white onions. Did she season it? I don’t remember, honestly. It was delicious though; and then, a couple days later, since this is all before microwave ovens made leftovers tasty, my sister and I would “get” to put the remainder through the meat grinder and we’d have hash with a runny egg for dinner. 

Peach tree is blooming!

Most nights, we play a game together after dinner. We aren’t tired in the same way, now, but we are tired of the monotony already. We stayed outside as long as possible over the weekend. The weather was lovely and we puttered in the backyard, sat in the sun, played with the dogs. I could hear the birds and the neighborhood kids squealing in their yards. Once I heard an airplane and, while I had noted their absence, I was startled by the sound of one, which tells me they are becoming rare. 

I’ve seen some jokes about what dogs will do when we get back to life after quarantine. But I worry more about what WE will do after quarantine. Do we have enough mental health professionals to treat the healthcare workers suffering from PTSD, the family members whose loved ones died in isolation, the service workers whose jobs don’t return, the small business owners who lost their dreams to quarantine (I hear a poem, do you?)….

We act like we’ll just return to life pre-quarantine as though it’s the day after vacation but that’s not reality. Think about the places you visit in your communities. Which of those won’t survive or will be drastically changed? The breakfast places, the independent booksellers, that hole-in-the-wall bar or pizza place, or the little DnD store. Those owners, right now, are trying to figure out if they can re-open, if they can re-hire their staff. Our communities are going to be forever changed by this pandemic and by the way our state and federal reps, governors, mayors, and … yes, president … manage through it. 

Who knew pancake mix and syrup are quarantine staples?

I’m not being political here. This is just truth — look at New Orleans (or Puerto Rico) and my comment in an earlier blog. Some places will never recover. Oh, sure, Target and Walmart and Starbucks will probably be fine but will Ritter’s re-open? How about D’s Dogs n Suds? Or Cafe on Main? Our communities are bound up in these places. If we lose them, we’ll lose a part of ourselves. I can’t help but wish that our economic focus was on saving our communities rather than the cruise industry. 

What are you eating? How are you managing?

Fon-DO!

Third Anniversary

All day long I’ve tried to write a gentle, loving note to honor this horrible third anniversary of Ken’s passing but the only thing in my head is an anguished cry of grief for my best friend. “Why are you gone?” are the words bouncing around in my otherwise empty head. 

Why are you gone?

I can’t laugh about how irritated Ken would have been by our isolation. He — the man who never went out without first strategizing all the reasons why we could stay in — would have chafed at the restrictions, not because they aren’t necessary but because anything, once denied, is that one thing that we long for most. If he had lived, he would be one of the most at risk and we would have been far too protective of his health, which would have irritated him even more. 

Why are you gone?

Tarriona “Tank” Ball, of Tank And The Bangas, once said, “There’s some areas of New Orleans where the storm has never passed.” I think about that a lot, and not just in reference to New Orleans. Recovery, resilience, isn’t a solo activity. It requires support; for me, it requires support from the one person who can no longer give it. Ken would have loved the eclectic poetry of Tank And The Bangas’ music. He would have been the person to say, “I have a new artist for you to hear.” He would have known about them before they were famous and would have celebrated their success as though he himself had discovered them. He would have been impatient with my grief, would have hated that I’m crying as I type this.

Why are you gone?

Today, a red-headed woodpecker sat on a tree branch outside my window. He climbed the trunk like a squirrel and pecked for a bit. Sometimes it was so loud, cartoonish, like the Woody that many of my generation grew up watching. Sometimes, it was a quiet tap, as soft but insistent as the tree branch against the glass when the wind blows: tap, tap. I feel his presence in everything and nothing. Sometimes, like that woodpecker, he seems to shout in my head but when I most need him, the only shouting is my own. “Why are you gone?” 

Dear god, why are you gone?

Third Anniversary