Me: So, Pancreas, do you know why I brought you into my office today?
Pancreas: Is it about those vacation days I asked for? Because I’ve already bought the plane tickets.
Me: Sigh.
Me: First, as a pancreas, you don’t get vacation days. Because you are a PANCREAS. If you were the Skeletal System, we could talk about days off.
Pancreas: I work very hard.
Me: (sotto voce) And now we come to the crux of this discussion.
Me: Are you entirely sure about that?
Pancreas: That I work hard? Yes, I’m sure. Damn sure. There’s no harder working organ in this body.
Me: Okay. Okay. I think I should stop you right there, before Heart hears you. Or Lungs. Or Central Nervous System. Or Liver. Liver is working at full capacity even though it’s about half the size it was two years ago. Can you say the same?
Pancreas: Unfair. I cannot be cut in half.
Me: (sotto voce) Well, you’re working like you were.
Pancreas: (suspicious) What was that? I didn’t quite hear you.
Me: I said, “I’m so cold. Brrr.”
Pancreas: (confused) You’re exactly 97.9 F. Perfectly normal.
Me: Right. Let’s get back to your performance. Can you explain your reduced enzyme output?
Pancreas: Resources are limited. I’m getting up there, almost 60 years old, you know. You had that surgery last year. It threw everything off. I’m tired. I need a vacation.
Me: Sigh.
Me: I assume you know that the heart is older than you are, by like 2 weeks. ANYWAY….
Pancreas: (makes raspberry sounds) Heart. Blah Blah Blah. All I ever hear is that Heart is better than me. Hmph.
Me: Look. Your enzyme production is down. Stomach and Intestines are requiring external enzyme support. I’m going to have to put you on a performance improvement plan.
Pancreas: Oh yeah. How about I just quit?
Me: Stomach and Intestines both think you already have. That’s why they’re demanding external enzyme support. Pancreas, this performance improvement plan is for your own good. If you don’t start making enzymes, you’ll be replaced entirely by enzyme pills. You don’t want that. You’d miss working. We’d miss your cheerleading at the daily stand up discussions. And your jokes! I’m still laughing about the hippo-zippo one you told last week.
Pancreas: (a little teary) You liked that one?
Me: I sure did. Do you want a tissue?
Pancreas: (nodding) I’m sorry. I’ll do what I can to step up productivity. I’ve just been feeling a little down. It’s the season, you know? You eat so much food during the holidays.
Me: (angry face)…
Pancreas: Not that I’m blaming you.
Me: Uh huh. Suddenly I’m excited to start taking those enzymes. (glares menacingly at Pancreas)
Much love.
