karaoke

Is There A Karaoke Limit? And Can We Make It 3?

Deb Zuroski, , , , , Leave a comment

Okay. Just humor me for a minute … could the inventor of karaoke be guilty of a crime? Because the students are doing karaoke on the quad right now — at 10PM on a Saturday and if what they’re doing to Tina Turner isn’t a crime, then we’re living in The Purge. Someone really needs to tell them that Sandra Bullock and Regina King are actors and that’s why Proud Mary sounded so good when they did it in the movie.

Ah. Good news. A drunk guy has taken the mic and is singing The Piano Man. Oh no, make that two drunk guys. Welp, we’ve just disproven the argument that two heads (mouths) are better than one. We’ve also learned that it was a lot easier for Billy Joel to stay in key during that famous la-la-la de-de da chorus than it is for the average drunk karaoke-ers. Also, they can’t follow the prompts and they’ve interrupted the song to apologize for screwing it up. And now they’re volunteering to sing it again. Please no.

Oh thank God. Someone took the mic away.

And now I’d like to point out that I still haven’t learned my lesson … which is that things can always get worse. And they have. Because we now have a man and woman singing the PG version of Cee Lo Green’s Forget You. See … I’m being ungrateful again. I should be thankful it isn’t 120 decibels of the NSFK (not safe for karaoke) version.

I’m both pleased and chagrined that I can’t report on the song that’s just starting. It’s a country song with a lot of OOOOOOOOO-ing. It’s off-key so it’s more like OOOEEEEOOOEEEOO-ing but not quite to the level that it’s EIEIO-ing. 

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m actually being pranked right now. Right? Right? Haha You guys are funny. You almost got me. But you went too far with the second country song. And the group singalong. Nice touch. How did you get all the students to sing so badly? I hope you realize that I’m sitting in my bedroom so there better not be any cameras around taking pictures of my tiger face mask right now.

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude. It’s my new mantra. I’m in cobbler pose on my yoga mat as I type. It’s a multi-task meditation — just go with it. If I use that word — gratitude — in my meditation right now, will the karaoke sounds fade away or will I come to appreciate them? So far, neither one has happened but I’ll keep trying.

There’s a woman doing a banging rendition of Walk the Moon’s Shut Up and Dance with Me. It’s really rocking. Yeah, I’m just kidding. It’s so awful the slugs in the garden have packed their little slug bags (got to use a bag if you don’t have a shell, you know?) and moved out. I would too but my daughter has the car so I’m trapped here. 

When you think about a song you hope never to hear sung by anyone other than the original artist, you think automatically of Uptown Funk, don’t you? If you were sitting here with me right now, trust me; it would be the first song that came to mind, especially with all 300 enthusiastic young women shrieking “Hot Damn” at every opportunity, whether the lyrics call for it or not.

I know. I know. They are enjoying that as much as I enjoyed singing “The Roof Is On Fire” and all the inappropriate lyrics that went with it. Well, I’m old now (but unlike Yusuf/Cat Stevens, I’m embittered) and I no longer remember how to have fun. I keep yelling “get off my lawn” but the music is so loud they can’t hear me.

Is There A Karaoke Limit? And Can We Make It 3?

Karaoke in Scooter-ville

Deb Zuroski, , , , , , , 4 Comments

If I have to suffer through this, at least I can blog about it. I thought (hoped?) that the abomination that is karaoke on campus had been cancelled for this year. Ever the optimist! Today is the day, loudly announced by a remarkable rendition of “Watermelon Sugar.” Whoever that young singer is, they are definitely optimistic if they think that sounded anything like Harry Styles … or singing. 

A couple days ago, I sent my annual email to the neighborhood’s campus contact, reminding him that students aren’t allowed to park on our street for more than 2 hours.This year, they’ve promised to patrol (campus police have jurisdiction on our street), remind students via campus communications, and, if necessary, write tickets. Since we’ve already had our first student-parked-in-front-of-someone’s-driveway incident, it seems appropriate to get the school involved. 

This might seem like me curmudgeonly asserting that these young kids need to “stay off my lawn.” But those of us who don’t have driveways, including my 90-year-old neighbors, need to have ready access to our houses and we pay an annual fee for that privilege. Since the campus library parking lot is directly accessed from our street, there’s always a lot of traffic during the school year and a couple hundred students try — at least three days per week — to use our street as extended campus parking. 

I wish I were exaggerating but literally every open spot (including driveways) is taken by students and if I’m foolish enough to move my car, there won’t be a spot for me when I get back. My neighbors sometimes use big orange cones — they even gave us some — but it isn’t legal or a powerful deterrent.  

Anyway, I heard back from Campus Dude within an hour. He agrees with my concern, reiterated their commitment to enforce the parking regulations, and then confessed that they have a big NEW concern that has them in a kerfuffle. Wait for it….wait for it … SPIN SCOOTERS. 

Yep. Spin scooters have invaded our city. In case you aren’t familiar, Spin is a company that provides rental scooters. I think it’s 15 cents a mile to rent them and you don’t have to find a station to lock them up when you’re done. You just drop your scooter wherever it’s legal for a vehicle to park. Ta Da — scooters everywhere. 

Yesterday there were at least 10 dropped on our little two-block street. (Yes, our street is literally only two blocks long.) Technically, it’s not legal for scooters to park on our street for more than two hours during the day (after hours and weekends it’s a free-for-all) but there’s no mechanism for ticketing scooters past the two-hour mark and you know those scooters are staying until someone needs a cheap ride. 

They don’t bother me, honestly. I can move a scooter out of my parking spot and I would rather have students using scooters than cars — better for the environment! But Campus Dude likes to shiny-object every discussion and this is his latest attempt. I know some folks are really complaining about the scooters but I’m actually student-friendly and want to encourage them to find effective ways to navigate inexpensively. 

I know you’re wondering what happened to the karaoke updates but they’ve temporarily(?) turned down the microphone so now I’m only getting occasional snippets of sound. I *think* someone is singing Charlie Puth’s “We Will Go” right now but I might have to go on campus to hear better. Just kidding. I’m not moving a single inch closer to that shrieking. 

Are you patiently awaiting the Big Announcement that I promised recently? It’s almost time. We’ll definitely have the great unveiling within the next week and I’m absolutely dying to drop a hint … but I can’t! What is it that those tiktok-ers say? “Like and follow for more!” HeHe

I heard today from a doctor friend that all the PICU beds in Alabama are filled with COVID children. As a parent who has needed a PICU for her child, this is terrifying. Where do they put non-COVID kids who need PICU beds? You already know the answer to this. Please, do your part to end this nightmare. (If you think doing your part is ingesting or inserting cattle dewormer, you actually — literally — are a danger to yourself and to everyone around you.)

When you enjoy your long weekend, Americans, remember that Labor Day is a celebration of workers’ rights. It began in the late 1800s but The Great Resignation of 2021 is a continuation of that desire for fair pay and good, safe working conditions. Be kind to the people who work difficult, often inhumane jobs delivering your packages in less time than it takes my dog to hoover up a dropped apple slice, taking your taco orders, bringing your extra ketchup, warming your not-hot-enough french fries. They’re people and they don’t deserve your discourtesy. 

Now, let’s end on a positive note (yes, intentional pun — come on, guys, I’m a writer) with a really loud, preferably off-key, version of Lizzo’s “Rumors.”

Much love.

Also, I’ve got a bunch of stuff out on sub so if you want to cross your fingers for me, that would be much appreciated. I’ve got mine crossed but it’s making typing really difficult.

Karaoke in Scooter-ville

Hell Has Karaoke

Deb Zuroski, , , 5 Comments

It is, apparently, karaoke day at the university across the street. To be fair, I’m not a karaoke fan and thus a poor judge of the relative merits of watching other people sing poorly in front of a microphone. For the past three hours I have been listening, as if they were screaming from my front yard, to a variety of skill levels belting everything from Justin Timberlake to Green Day. A criminal effort at Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” was by far the worst karaoke experience so far today, with the exception of an excruciating effort at “No Diggity.” 

I’d like to attribute my karaoke criticism to a “Get Off My Lawn” middle-age curmudgeonliness; but in fact, I truly believe that whoever felt authorized to belt out Eminem before noon, and completely sober, on a Wednesday, deserves retribution in the form of multiple compulsory hours listening to Steve and Eydie (a favorite of my maternal grandmother). 

We (not the royal we, the entire neighborhood) are now listening to Black-eyed Peas, “Let’s Get It Started In Here,” and I won’t accept your reassurance that it could be worse. I doubt that “My Humps” is included on the karaoke playlist. 

The music is so loud that it’s hard to concentrate. What are people on conference calls doing — “Uh, excuse me. Could whoever is playing that Camila Cabello ‘Havana’ song please go on mute?” The weird thing about this is that I feel strongly that there are live musicians playing along because someone is drumming the heck out of the Havana song right now and someone else just jumped in with a very off-key saxophone.   

I blame Glee and Pitch Perfect for this. We’re now singing “Price Tag,” which is the third Pitch Perfect song. Do these folks not realize that Pitch Perfect didn’t actually spontaneously bring a couple dozen really good (Broadway level) singers to the SAME college for extracurricular acapella singing? 

Aaaaand now we’re on to “Cake By The Ocean.” It wasn’t a good song on the radio. Let me assure you — the karaoke version is much, much worse.

Please, send help. Or earplugs.

On a side note, I am still writing like mad. I have poems submitted to several contests and am still editing a book ….Hold on; they’re singing Taylor Swift right now and I hear sirens. Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks there is a crime in progress across the street ….

Anyway, I just finished a poem that I’d love to share (I’m really happy with it) but it’s designated for a publication that doesn’t accept anything posted to social media. If it gets rejected, I’ll post it for your enjoyment.

Despite the smoke haze from the fires, it is a glorious fall day. I hope you have a moment to enjoy it.

Stay safe. Wear a mask when you go out for the same reasons you wear shoes, to keep other people safe (alternatively to keep from being thrown out of the store).

And sing in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, just not in front of a microphone … unless, of course, that’s Gretchen Wilson currently singing Gretchen Wilson’s “I Want You To Want Me.” (It’s not.)

Also, please VOTE early.

Much love….

Hell Has Karaoke