Silence

There wasn’t much music in our house when I was growing up. We had a mid-century style stereo record player but we only had a few records from the 40s and 50s, big band stuff mostly, and Christmas albums, which we’d play sometimes in December. I can remember getting a Jackson 5 album (I think it was GIT but I’d have to get it out of storage to confirm!) and a Carpenters album for my 7th birthday but I didn’t play them much. 

My dad, who could not have been called an early adopter of technology, bought a stereo with an 8-track player sometime in the mid to late 1970s. The details are a little cloudy to me — I think he unveiled it at Christmas — I can remember sitting in our very uncomfortable living room listening to 8-track tapes of Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings but Dad’s favorite song was “Take This Job And Shove It.” And that’s really all I have to say about Johnny Paycheck.

After we got the stereo, I would sometimes sit in the living room on a Saturday and listen to Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 broadcast. When I got a radio for my birthday, it was a REVELATION. I could sit in my bedroom and listen to whatever music I wanted … sort of, as long as it was on a radio station that I could get and IF they played that song … but, of course, that was the world we lived in. 

I didn’t have a tape player for a long time but as soon as I did, I, like everyone from that era probably remembers doing, breathlessly waited for the DJ to play my favorite songs and hurriedly pressed “record” to tape the song so that I could replay it over and over.   Nothing was worse … nothing … than having your tape player jam and damage your precious cassette of music recorded from the radio, often with the DJ talking over the beginning and ending of your songs.

Mostly, though, when I was growing up, I can remember my mom turning off the “noise” and sighing. “Silence,” she’d say. “I just want silence.” I don’t have any memories of her listening to music or singing along to a song on the radio. None. That can’t be right. I know she must have liked some music but I have no recollection of it. On the other hand, my dad’s mom, nicknamed Grandma Myrtle the Turtle Traffic Light (MtTTL) by her two adoring granddaughters, loved music. She would sing along to the radio in her car. She’d sing while she was cooking. She’d sing with us while we were taking walks around the neighborhood. I don’t recall her having a good voice but, honestly, in my memory, her gravely singing just makes everything better. 

Her favorite television show was Lawrence Welk. Whenever she was with us on a Saturday, we’d watch him conduct and my sister and I would dance around the room like goofs. Now that I’m going through Grandma MtTTL’s old correspondence, I have been reading about all sorts of dances and parties she went to in her teens and early twenties. No wonder she loved all that big band music. That woman was a PLAYER. It wouldn’t surprise me AT ALL to find out that she made bathtub gin. 

Ken loved music too, as I’ve mentioned before, and gin, actually. I think he and Grandma MtTTL probably had a lot in common. He was a huge classical music lover and spent nearly 20 years compiling a digital compendium based on a pamphlet someone had written about the 100 best classical performances that every music lover should hear. One time, he and I had great seats at a PSO performance. We were sitting in a nearly empty row by an elderly man who was discreetly conducting the concert from his seat. The man even had a binder with the sheet music. We never found out who he was — music critic, PSO staffer, fan? It was delightful. That man was enthralled and his joy became our joy.

What are you listening to during your quarantine? Music, birdsong, the TV, your own internal monologue (stop that!), your neighbors yelling? In addition to my Spotify playlists, I’ve been “watching” (really just listening as I work) NPR Tiny Desk (Home) Concerts: Lang Lang, Kevin Morby & Waxahatchee, Black Thought (he’s an actual example of that overused word, genius), Michael McDonald, Tarriona Ball (Tank from Tank and the Bangas). I’ve really enjoyed them all.

Speaking of listening and noisy neighbors … I had a huge fight with mine — not the 90 year olds (!), the other one — on Sunday because she installed security lights, with the wattage of the noon sun, facing into my backyard. They’re motion-activated so, of course, they came on at 10:30 Saturday night when I went outside with my dogs. I turned when the light came on and stared into the eclipse sun. And then blink, blink, blink. My eyes!  

Sunday, when I asked her to turn her lights into her own yard, she said, “I’ll try to accommodate you if you keep your dogs away from the fence.” Guys, she was referring to MY fence. She wanted me to keep my dogs on the other side of my postage stamp lawn because my dogs’ presence made her dogs bark. Oh, lordy, it got super real. Later that afternoon, she came outside, apologized, asked if we could start over, and moved the light. Yay and all that; but imagine how much better that entire situation would have been if she’d just listened to my objection and responded with kindness. Sigh. Neighbors, amirite?

Anyway, that night, late, I was working on a puzzle in my room, windows open to let in the warm breeze. It was quiet, no car sounds, no one walking around outside. Suddenly, there was the most god-awful noise, a shriek to make your heart stop, to raise the little hairs on the back of your neck. 

I looked out the window and saw a huge cat (it might have been just all puffy fur, honestly) chasing my neighbor’s black and white prowler down the street toward my house. The shrieking continued as they fought. I’m leaning, arms on the window sill, kind of laughing as I watch the cat drama play out and I hear a man say, really loudly, “What the f**k is that sound?” 

Immediately, a woman answers, “Yes, what IS that?” (Apparently other people have their windows open.) I’m laughing out loud now. I say, “It’s a cat,” as I look down at the two critters now fighting on my sidewalk. “No s**t! That’s a cat?” responds the man. “Yep,” I say. And then he adds, “Thanks, and uh, sorry for my language.” 

That’s city living for you.

Stay safe, be well.

Silence

Isolation Birthday

Send help. We’re baking too much. Our neighbors can only eat so many baked goods. We’re in isolation: I can’t go out and buy larger pants!

Seriously, though, we (when I say “we,” I really mean my daughter; my only job here is taster) … anyway, “we” have made macarons with blackberry compote for the filling , banana bread, and chocolate-dipped shortbread cookies just in the last 5 DAYS. That’s in addition to all of the delicious savory dishes we’ve been making. I made a pot roast with lots of root veggies. She made stuffed pork chops. I grilled a flank steak. She made spicy baked chicken (with lots of garlic). It’s been fun and one of our biggest successes in all of this has been learning to cook smaller so we don’t have a lot of leftovers.

We’ve spent a few evenings playing scribble.io, an online version of Pictionary that allows you to create a private group. Since one of the family lives in an apartment, we can’t be together physically but that hasn’t stopped us! Because we’re also a gaming family, we put on our gaming headsets, create a group call on discord, and set up a private group on scribble.io. For at least an hour, we talk, tease, connect, and draw (some of us — me actually — quite badly).

If you are struggling to connect with family or friends, I recommend trying an online group game/tabletop simulator. Physical distancing may be a hellscape but technology does enable social connection in a variety of healthy ways beyond skype calls. Let’s all acknowledge here that Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok are not included on any list of healthy ways to connect.

This is the first time we’re going to mark a birthday without being together physically. I KNOW that many people are struggling with loss and distance. Missing a birthday together is part of my personal grief. It doesn’t dismiss the devastation felt by the first responders and health workers who encounter the virus and counsel the families and transport the sick and dying. It doesn’t devalue the grief and loneliness of the isolated, especially those who are alone and elderly. It doesn’t reduce the struggle, as real and relevant as anyone’s grief, of our extroverted friends who find ALONENESS as difficult as some find togetherness. Most of us are struggling. As some Twitter-stein said, “It’s okay not to be okay right now.”

So, what will we do to celebrate the 14th year since my son’s birth? I think we’ll have a meal he likes and a treat of his choice that we can make at home and for the rest, we’ll see. There will be no stress, though, no virus talk, no discussion of risk models and vaccines.

We’ve been taking more family walks, looking for good rocks, bird feathers, acorns, blossoms, and other hidden treasures. On Friday, we were walking our three dogs down a less frequented path in the neighborhood when we discovered a bird trapped by a fallen snow fence. I would have taken a picture except that I held all three dogs’ leashes while my daughter released the bird and the dogs tried desperately to .. er, help?

After I finish writing this afternoon, we’ll probably take another walk and then I’m going to work on my new backyard project. I’m dry-laying a brick raised bed garden. There are approximately sixteen gazillion (just an estimate) bricks all over our backyard from some long-ago project of a previous owner. (He also left approximately one and a half gazillion golf balls). After some planning (and stalling), yesterday, I broke ground, hauled a small fraction of those bricks (I’m hoping that I hauled the heavy portion yesterday and that all the other bricks are lighter), and then, started the work of removing roots and digging trenches. It’s great fun. I have an extra hoe if you’d like to come over and try it at a safe distance. In fact, just to be sure we’re appropriately distancing, I’ll stand inside the house and watch, while you’re digging.

Stay safe. Stay home.

Isolation Birthday

Banal Banter And Other Glory

An agent — we’ll call him Agent A — wants significant revisions to one of my manuscripts. He actually probably wants a different story than the one I offered him. Now I’m terribly conflicted: do I change Jooney’s story (she’s my main character) or do I write him the story that he’s looking for? I love Jooney and I’ve invested a lot of emotional energy into her character arc BUT if I don’t make the changes, perhaps her story will never make it to print. 

Regardless of my decision, I feel the need to offer some applause for his choice insults. Many years ago, as I think I’ve written about here, I was part of a project team that received some glorious feedback. If you’re going to insult my efforts, I want you to go all in. Don’t tell me that I suck. That’s uninspired. Say, instead, “Your website sucks sea water through a rusty scupper.” Now, that is an insult! I’d like to meet that person and tell them how much I still admire that phrasing 20 years after it was offered. 

Agent A does not think Jooney’s story sucks and his comments did not reach these glorious heights. He did, however, provide some input using a charming amount of alliteration. And for that, he definitely gets points. 

The writing process is so painfully personal that it can be hard to separate oneself from criticism. This is not the career path for the sensitive. I, however, am delightfully insensitive, and I’m having a great time! One agent even called me a meanderer. Since I AM actually a meanderer, I felt very SEEN. That’s an agent who gets me.

I missed a writing day this week to attend a funeral. It was in another city so I spent 4 hours in the car for a 30 minute service. However, in exchange for that, I did get to spend about 5 hours with a dear, quite elderly, family friend. The family asked me to be her chauffeur. Because of their own grief journey, they didn’t want the task (she walks very slowly and is starting to have memory problems) but I found it lovely.

We didn’t attend the graveside service because it was a torrential downpour (with no shelter!). Instead, while we waited for the wake to start, we chatted and drove around the city, visiting places she hasn’t seen recently. The day was an unexpected gift in the midst of their loss and sorrow. I’ll have to make up the time (I do have deadlines, people!), but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. None of us know how much time we have left. 

Speaking of loss and grief, have you taken the time to watch The Farewell? It’s a movie about a Chinese woman who doesn’t know that she is dying of cancer. Her family throws a fake party so they can all see her before she dies. The movie includes a lovely exploration of the Qingming Festival, which I’m coincidentally also reading about in a Grace Lin story called Dumpling Days. 

Writers are supposed to read a lot. It can be tough, not because I don’t enjoy it, but because the days are already very long. By the time I pick up a book, I’m often so exhausted that I only get through a chapter or two before I’m dozing over the pages. That doesn’t stop me from juggling books though! In addition to Dumpling Days, I’m currently reading Stay Sweet (by a local writer and I had high hopes but I am sad to say that I’m really not enjoying it), Beloved, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (almost finished!), and a free online economics textbook called Economy, Society and Public Policy, a book club read about how all of these things actually work together. (It’s a lot more enjoyable than the title makes it sound. If you have an interest, speak up and I’ll share the link.) 

Back to work: while I ponder Jooney’s future, I’m working on a time travel novel. It’s full of danger and sand and deprivation, which seems to be a continual theme for me. I’ve been playing with this story for several months and have about 8,000 words down. It’s a middle grade novel so it will be around 30,000-40,000 words. The really dark novel that I’ve also been writing is at about 12,000 words right now but I have a lot more to do on that one. It’s probably going to top out at about 80,000-100,000 words. There was a time when I couldn’t really envision finishing a story but here I am, writing three at a time. 

Much love.

 

Banal Banter And Other Glory

Something Wicked This Way Came

Something happened last week. I can’t talk about the specifics and I’m not sure I would even if I could. My thirteen-year-old saw something, he said something, and he saved someone. He responded exactly as we all hope our children will and I’m utterly amazed at his courage, his kindness, his maturity. 

My boy did the right thing, perturbed that it might violate a trust, that it would be embarrassing, that it might alienate him from his friend-group, that he might not be believed (he had receipts just in case), that it would require action in a bystander world. He doesn’t want praise or attention; in fact, he told me that he’d like to pretend it never happened. I have to agree. What I really want is for my already traumatized child not to be more traumatized. If I could erase last week, I’d have to think deeply to find reasons not to do exactly that. 

I’m so angry and sad about the whole big mess. Absolutely everyone we needed was there. Everyone responded wonderfully. Everyone helped us. So, as my daughter would say, “What’s the T?” 

What IS the T? If you’ve ever read a management book (god help you), you know that some people seem to thrive on chaos. I always hope I’m not one of those people but it seems like I live in the midst of it. A good amount of my adulthood has been teetering on the brink of catastrophe. Why should my kids’ lives be any different? We are the ball in the pinball machine, pinging from obstacle to obstacle, lights flashing, bells ringing, until we’re hit by a paddle and thrown back into the chaos.

I wonder, sometimes, if trauma begets trauma, if some individuals — unknowingly, certainly unwillingly — are drawn, like magnets, to new and different tragedies … on repeat. If you believe in a god, you’ve undoubtedly heard that old saw:  God only gives you the burdens you are strong enough to carry. Boom. Not strong enough? No worries; prayer is the answer. You can just ask god to carry those burdens for you. Boom (again). For those of us who are less confident in the weight-bearing power of prayer, the solution is far murkier. And for both groups, the outcome is the same (with apologies to all of you who believe in the power of prayer).

My mom was a terrible Catholic (according to her) but she believed very, very strongly in the Blessed Mother. I saw a sign over the weekend that condemned “Mary worshippers” to Hell (the sign listed everyone who is condemned — it was a long sign and the sign-bearer was, of course, the only one not on the list). The Mary-worshipper label was a solid fit for Mom. Her favorite prayer was the Memorare. She used to talk to me about the meaning, about it being a sort of chastisement. It’s my humble and untested opinion that Mom was expressing what many women continue to express today — that longing for a voice — and that brings me to this past weekend.

I have absolutely no interest in football, though I did stand on the field during pre-game warm-ups once. That was an experience for sure but it hasn’t made me a fan. I can’t abide the lack of representation in leadership positions. Why are there so few owners or head coaches of color? I might not have known it was Super Bowl weekend, but as a Pittsburgher, I absolutely know who Coach Tomlin is. But if you cite him as your example, I’m just going to come back at you with the total number of coaches of color — single digits, folks. Single digits! You can’t explain that without using racist tropes because there is no explanation that doesn’t include racism. Period.

Anyway, my nephew teasingly called me un-American this weekend when he had to remind me that it was Super Bowl Sunday. I didn’t watch. I didn’t even know which teams were playing and I only know who won because of that tweet (don’t pretend you don’t know what tweet I mean). If you try to tell me it didn’t happen, I’m going to throw a certain George Orwell quote at you.

After I saw that there was a controversy brewing over the half-time show, I watched it on youtube. What I saw was two powerful women performing on national television, using their voices (yes, I chose that word deliberately) to highlight issues important to them. Okay … never mind. Nothing says manufactured outrage over “sexualized” dancing and “televised porn” like being publicly called out for ignorance and racism and basic inhumanity. 

My favorite our-educational-system-has-failed-us moment is when people began speculating that JLo was wearing the Texas flag. I LOVE teachers but I am appalled by our national lack of critical thinking skills and, frankly, by our ignorant, foolish, entitled Secretary of Education. Even with a research device in each of our hands, we eagerly retweet, post, share, and like garbage because it makes us feel (better, teary, powerful, righteous, smart — you choose). No, JLo (you know, from the Bronx?) is not strutting that national Venus-shaped stage in a Texas flag. This isn’t Texas shade, BTW, which you will also understand if you are using your critical thinking skills. 

Well, clearly, I’m still angry about the trauma my boy endured. I can hear it in the words I’m typing. The problem is, of course, that I can’t unleash my mom-rage on … anyone. I want to use my not-inconsiderable verbal skills to destroy the responsible party in defense of my baby but that won’t happen. There is no person responsible for this week’s near catastrophe. 

Researchers say that we look for someone to blame because placing blame provides “resolution” and “closure.” It’s tempting to look for somewhere to place blame and I’ve veered onto that dangerous road a couple times throughout this experience. It’s wrong, though, and I’m going to fight my baser self. As with Ken’s death, there’s no closure. It was unfair and it shouldn’t have happened. Period. 

On a good note: I’m working on another book. That’s two underway in addition to the one I just finished (in case you are counting). Neil Gaiman recommends juggling about 5 projects at a time and since I’d like to be as successful as Neil Gaiman (cough), I’m modeling my writing behaviors after him (cough, cough). It’s a teen/adult book which is a nice contrast to the middle grade stories I’ve been focused on. I’m not going to talk about the plot but I will say that it’s … weird. Honestly, there’s nothing more satisfying than giving my severe weirdness an outlet. 

Next up … a short story about Pennsylvania’s favorite Phil. 

Much love.

Something Wicked This Way Came